"Frankenhooker" ('90)

The title alone makes the movie worth owning. It can be best used in a sacred part of your home, sitting on a high shelf with a fluorescent light over it, so all may sit in the rays of its glory. It also makes an excellent conversation piece. Rule of thumb: If disinterest or a blunt denial are ever a response to the question, "Do you want to watch Frankenhooker?", the person's not worth the conversation, nor your attention.

Essentially, this is the movie I've been waiting for since I first saw It's Alive (And parts 2 & 3). The concept of killer babies seemed untouchable by incredible-standards. I needed another horror movie with such a ridiculous, life-changing concept that simply by questioning any plot-holes (and this movie is the swiss-cheese of plot-holes) or mistakes ruins the movie for you and anyone you're watching it with, transforming you into an asshole. And I found it. Frankenhooker.

Get the popcorn ready, because this story is epic.

Jeffrey Franken: medical-school dropout, New Jersey resident, and gas & electric worker. Somehow, he nabbed a cutie-pie as a fiance. At a family birthday party, the fiance's showing off a remote-control lawn-mower Jeff made, and after pressing one too many buttons, the lawn-mower shoots forward and cuts her up into a "Jigsaw puzzle" of parts (to quote the cop on the news, who's standing next to a reporter played by Mrs. Wrigley from "Adventures of Pete & Pete").

As his last name is Franken, Jeff decides to play the re-animator and bring his fiance back from the grave. He decides, watching the news, that since hookers are just gonna kill themselves on the rock anyways, he's just doing a pre-emptive strike in the name of death by taking their lives for parts to piece his wife back together. He drives on down to the local red light district, gathers up a couple hussey's, and holds an "audition" for them, where he checks out all their parts and picks favorites for his frankenhooker-wife. After he makes the final decision, he developed...wait for it... "Super-Crack" to make the girls O.D. on (Cue necrophilia jokes). But his perfect plan to have one girl with the perfect body to use goes haywire when the girls snoop around his bag and discover..."SUPER-DRUGS!!!" Huffing and sucking down as much super-crack as their herpes-encrusted mouths can, the room transforms into an all-girl orgy/crack-party (Sorry, super-crack-party). But as Jeff's being held down, he can't stop them from doing this, as the super-crack makes the girl's FUCKING EXPLODE. After an intense scene with flying limbs and parts being chucked back and forth, Jeff makes an apology to all of them. Then, stuffing them into a garbage bag, he picks up part-after-dismembered-part to bring home for his wife...

There's too much to say about how entertaining this movie is, and I'm probably not even doing it justice. Just watch damnit.

Look out for "Death Bed: The Bed That Eats" soon. It may be the next fix I need for my super-addictions to bad taste and fake blood.